I had a freakishly off day yesterday, in fact it was so bad that all I could do was laugh hysterically at everything that seemed to be happening. Let me tell you, it's a damn good thing I learned that skill or days like these would end with a trip to that "nervous hospital" that my grandma used to tell me about.
First of all, I am a stay at home mom and I woke up "early"......during summer break mind you. I then took a nice hot shower, made my bed and got myself looking totally fantabulous before I had to wake the kids. I was on point. Everything was running right on schedule......or so I thought.
I was JUST about to pack up the car and head out at 8:30am in order to get my daughter to a summer camp session at 9:00am when I get a text from my friend (whose daughter was attending the same camp) that said "Are you on your way?" I returned the text by saying "yea." Then, all of a sudden it struck me....wait!! I have a half an hour why is she asking me this? So I text her back again and said "Wait!! It starts at 9 right?" Her Reply was simply "8". Son of a Crack Whore!!! I was late!!!!! I was having this great leisurely morning of getting ready and drinking coffee before waking the kids to feed them and now I am already a half an hour late and I hadn't even left yet. So I scream "get your crap and get in the car we're late!!!." I grabbed my purse, the diaper bag and my baby and ran out the door.....CRAP!! Where the heck is my daughter? CRAP!! I forgot my sunglasses upstairs (and these baby blues cannot handle the sun) CRAP!!! Why isn't she wearing any shoes? So I start shouting commands "Get my sunglasses!!! Turn on the alarm!!! Go grab your shoes!! I don't care....any shoes!!! You didn't eat yet? Grab something to eat in the car!!!! OMG!!! What??? You haven't brushed your teeth yet?? I guess you're just gonna have to scrape the sweaters off your teeth with your finger nail!!!!...hurry, hurry, hurry!!!"
Now, if you knew me in my former life (before I had my son at the age of Thirrrrrr...errrr....Twenty-Nine) you would know that I was a major planner. I knew what was coming up, what time I was supposed to be there, how long it was supposed to last and I always had gas in the car. I was a ticking time bomb, 15 minutes early everywhere, sometimes even 30 and if I were running late (which meant I would arrive only 10 minutes early) I would have been nearly mental enough to shoot the place up. All of that is now gone due to the fact that my brains fell out of my nether regions along with my son and now I am just lucky enough to know my own name....errr...ummm....well, most of the time. It's "Mommy" right?
So, we finally leave and I had drive like a bat outta hell down the highway in order to get there before it was over. We are just about to turn onto the road where her camp is located about 15 minutes later (meaning we are nearly 45 minutes late now....although normally it takes nearly 30 minutes to get there so I broke a lot of laws) when my daughter yells "Mom, you forgot to grab my bag!!" Of course, I lose it. All I can think is: Are ya freaking kidding me? You packed it and put it by the door, plus you had to walk right past and pretty much step over it to get to the car. Not to mention I have a purse, a baby and a diaper bag to worry about. So my horns jet out of my head, veins pop out of my neck and I am almost sure I may have spit a little fire when I said, "Excuse me? IIIIIIII didn't forget to grab your bag, YOOOOOOU forgot to grab your bag." Needless to say she didn't even need that bag because thankfully they had extras and too bad if they didn't because there was no way in heck I was going back for it because she made me look un-hawt for 3.5 seconds and THAT is not okay even in the privacy of your own car.
I finally drop her off and get back into my car and just sit there. I start to text my friend about all of this (because obviously she was already gone for 45 minutes) and SHE is asking ME if MY KID is okay. What? Why? She got to sleep in, didn't have to brush her teeth, and is at a $200 camp that she begged to go to.....not to mention the 45 minutes she missed had to do with cleaning up poop (think animals) so I don't think she was all that sad about missing that part. Ohhhhh!!!!! You meant because I frantically threw everyone into the car, sped like a demon down the highway and yelled at her? No!! Didn't seem to phase her one bit and if it did, she surely forgot about it within 10 seconds, just like she did with her bag that is still sitting by the door.
Anyways, after all of that I decided that maybe I should go to the grocery store (even though I am still twitching) while I am out or we were going to have to mix 3 different kinds of cereal together and maybe add a little water to the approximately 1/3 c of milk I had left in order to have something to eat for dinner. So, here I am shopping when I realize it's a really darn good thing I only perimeter shop and that our grocery store hands out crack cookies because my little man was screaming for a snack and the diaper bag that IIIIIII remembered to bring was essentially empty :-/ (DOH!!).
I filled up my cart and headed to the check out line when my phone rings. What the hell? No one calls me. I only text. Mainly because I hate to talk on the phone due to the fact I get all flustered and stumble over my words and for some reason my texting fingers have balls of steal. Really, I am not that interesting verbally but hand me a keypad and I can rock out the funniest shit you ever read. In fact, I should just forgo talking all together and just carry around one of those communication devices that Steven Hawkings uses. I am pretty sure this all stems from the time I worked at a toy store in high school and was told I had to call out the big ticket items over the loud speaker that looks like a telephone (and rang out loudly through the entire store for everyone to hear) to the stock boys in the back which creeped me out so bad that I stuttered and I nearly sharted myself.
Regardless, I answered the phone and it was the guy who was scheduled to be at my house this morning to repair my cabinets. Ooops!! Was that today? So I shouted into the phone that I would be home in five minutes. I paid the lady, walked leisurely to my car (I was not about to run), tossed the baby in the car and may have totally strapped him in upside down then threw the groceries somewhere (I don't even remember that part) then took off like a bat outta hell.....again.
I arrived back at home to a truck sitting out in front of my house (Of course he's on time....had I been home waiting around, he wouldn't have been there until dinner even though we set up a morning appointment) and whipped into the garage, jumped out and shouted "Sorry, my secretary is on vacation!!" Which I thought was hysterical.....but apparently it was only hysterical to me (see? Verbally..not funny). I run in unlock the front door (yes the baby is still in the car upside down in his carseat in the garage), run to the kitchen and throw all the crap out of the drawers (except the crumbs) that he was there to repair, threw the drawer at him then ran back into the garage to save the baby and get my melting groceries out of the car, which by the way were all out of their green bags rolling around in the trunk area now.
The cabinet dude fixed the drawers, I put away the groceries, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, changed the baby's diaper, threw some food at him, dumped his trucks in the middle of the floor to occupy him because I just needed to sit...in a corner...and rock back and forth. I flopped on the couch (after debating about whether to crack open my new bottle of wine AT 10:30 AM or search for that bottle of tequila someone bought me for a housewarming gift, but eventually decided that was just too much work) and apparently got lost in social media vacuum time sucker because now it's 11:30 and I now have to go back and get her, but the baby is still in a diaper and I can't leave him in the car which means I must dress him. So, I jump up, run around in a circle 2 times, scoop the kid up and think "what the hell is that smell?" I run upstairs, change his crap diaper (again), throw some clothes on him and run back out the door.
This time I was actually on my way at a decent time. It was apparent I was going to be a little too early.....so I figured I had better stop at Starbucks. I get to the drive-thru after dodging pedestrians in the parking lot that I cut through where I only asked myself once "I wonder how many points I would get for him." But alas, I made it to the mommy crack shop without committing a vehicular homicide. I yelled my complicated drink order at the talky thingy, rounded the corner and "oh eff, 4 cars waiting for coffee in front of me???".... and now I am stuck unless I want to jump the curb, bust through some shrubs and roll my purty hawt car down a hill into oncoming traffic. So I wait....and wait...and wait, all the while thinking "why the hell am I still waiting on car number 1 of 4 to get their drink?" In the mean time, my husband calls and I start telling him about my Manic day which took my mind off of the waiting momentarily and when I finally roll up to window they are JUST starting to make my drink....so I wait and wait and wait some more. I get irritated and I think to myself "Give me my damn mocha coconut!!" Ooops, Did I just say that out loud?.....yes, yes I did and apparently that's why they closed the window until it was ready.
I finally got my coffee, I am still talking to my hubby, plus I still have 20 minutes to get there (even though it takes about 25 from this Starbucks). I rush down the highway...again. Get off my exit...damn a red light (and no one is coming)...waiting...waiting...waiting....GREEN!! I take off again and I am chatting it up with my husband while randomly yelling out expletives here and there about the speed limits being too low like I have Tourette's and then I miss my turn...ARRRRGHHH!!!" So hubby says, "I better let you go so you can concentrate" GOOD IDEA!! So I hang up and turn the car around to back track.
Eventually I get it together and now I am about to turn back onto the road that I meant to turn onto the first time when I get a text from my friend. "Do you know what time it is?" I freeze....Shut the front door...am I late? So I text back (while at a red light of course): "It's 11:48, you said noon....I have 12 minutes" followed by "It not my fault Starbucks had a line, LOL!" She replied "LOL!! You are cracking me up and yes, it's noon." PHEW, THANK YOU JESUS!!! Once I make the turn I then go on to hit every red light in town I finally lose my damn mind and text back to her "Effing red lights, SOB......BTW, my son is shoeless and his feet are black...don't judge!!" She writes back "I am laughing so hard, I have tears in my eyes and I may have just snorted" Which made me laugh and snort too and spill my coffee on my boob.
Needless to say I arrived with 4 minutes to spare and with a coffee boob stain and a baby with black bare feet (whom, I will remind you was not in a diaper only thank you very much). All I could think at that point was "THANK GOD I took that leisurely shower this morning and primped myself up (all while I should have been on my way to taking her to camp)....because even with all of that going on and having semi- homeless looking kids and now a Starbucks coffee boob stain, I still managed to look HOT!!!!"
The End.
No comments:
Post a Comment