Stage Moms are Batshit Crazy

Have you ever been or met a "stage mother"?

Everyone wants their kid to do well but when it turns from hopeful and excited and a "Hell ya, that's my girl" under your breath to undermining, overbearing, competitiveness in every aspect of your child's life all the while taking jabs at other kids, coaches who don't cater to your child or parents whose kid may be outperforming yours......YOU ARE A FREAK!!!

I get it.  We all want our kids to do better than we did.  However, if you are making fun of other 5 year olds for not getting the steps to a dance the first try, calling a 7 year old a hyperactive brat because they talk a little too loud and draw attention to themselves (leaving your kid attention starved), are talking about how your child is so passionate about said activity that they are liable to faint and possibly cry (fake tears) if they miss a class or you and your kid hop from activity to activity because you wear out your welcome by being WAY TOO OVERBEARING not only to your kid, but to the staff, coaches, teachers or even other parents.....You might be a darn near FAUX REAL and screwing up your kid too.

Kids of Stage Moms: 
Tend to be over sensitive, 
Are terrified of making mistakes 
Have no social skills.  

Signs/Symptoms that you are becoming a Nutty Stage Mom:

If you give your kid a redbull to keep them awake to perform....you might be a Stage Mom.
If you sign your kid up for classes at 6 different dance studios for fear that they are not at "the best" one.....you might be a Stage Mom.
If you drive over an hour for classes that you can get right down the street.....You might be a Stage Mom.
If your love is conditional upon your kid filling your expectations.....You might be a Stage Mom.
If you have no interests of your own other than what your kid is doing.......You might be a Stage Mom.
If your kid has no friends outside of their activity(ies).......You might be a Stage Mom.
If your kid can spell 'supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus' but can't spell 'cat'.......You might be an obnoxious homeschooling Stage Mom.
If you've ever created an online hate group for former teachers, coaches or parents who don't cater to your child......you might be an immature douchebag of a Stage Mom.
If you have ever jabbed a needle into your 8 year old's face to prevent wrinkles......you might be completely BATSHIT CRAZY and you need a punch in the esophagus.

Let your kid be who they are.  Foster relationships between them and their friends, let them have fun and if they want to do something else than what you put all of YOUR life's hopes and dreams into....let them.  If it becomes something you want rather than something they want you need to back off and encourage them to find THEIR niche in this world.  Your unattainable expectations are only going to create the next generation's serial killer (who uses her tiara to maim her prey).....or worse, a Stepford Wife (not to be confused with Trophy Wife).

My Craptastic Friday

I mentioned in a previous post (that I ended up removing for fear I will someday become famous and my identity will be discovered and it could come back to haunt me) that my Friday last week was not much more organized than my Monday.  Not only did I get engulfed in a few things and forget what time it was,  which in turn made me forget to pick my child up from horse camp but I also ended up creating a new "Eau de Toilette" ......literally.

Yes, you heard me correctly.  When I finally looked up at the clock after a morning of hell I realized that it was now 11:57 am and I was due to pick my child up from camp at 12 noon.  Needless to say that wasn't going to happen because I live approximately 15-30 minutes away depending on how many laws I was willing to break.  Lord knows I broke a few on Monday so I would be chancing it if I were to try again on Friday.

Thankfully my daughter was attending camp with a friend so I was able to call her mother and ask her to grab her for me and meet me somewhere.  No sooner did I make that call was I rushing around again to head out of the door to meet her.  Found my shoes, my keys and my sunglasses quickly, thank god!!  I started to run out the door when it hit me.....right in the face!!  Holy Crap!! What is that SMELL???  Yep, my little one had pooped.

There was no way I was going to be late AND show up with an infant that had been sitting in poop for over 30 minutes too.  So I ran back upstairs, opened up the worst explosive diaper I had ever seen, then smashed it all around, smeared it in with a wet wipe and all while he rolled and spun like an alligator attacking it's prey.  I finally got him diapered and clothed then ran back down the stairs only to ask myself AGAIN, "What is that SMELL?"  Oh, right....in the words of Joe Dirt "I got the poo on meh" Great, Grand,  Fantastic!!!  Thankfully I received a mini bottle of germX in a race packet (yes, I run....but only to keep up my Trophy Wife image of course) one day and threw it in my car or I would have gotten a nickname that day for sure.

I finally met my friend who had my daughter with her.  By the way, I am thankful for friends who say nothing when you show up looking like ass and smelling like one too.

Thank God for Hot Shoes!!!!

(And here I bet you thought by the title of this blog that it was going to be a blog about how glamorous I am all of the time)

[P.S.  As I sat down to finish this post my son dug a box out of the trash that consisted of old rotten cherries, cherry pits and stems and started eating them.]

Sounds Like "Someone" Has a Case of the Mondays!!

I had a freakishly off day yesterday, in fact it was so bad that all I could do was laugh hysterically at everything that seemed to be happening.  Let me tell you, it's a damn good thing I learned that skill or days like these would end with a trip to that "nervous hospital" that my grandma used to tell me about.


First of all, I am a stay at home mom and I woke up "early"......during summer break mind you.  I then took a nice hot shower, made my bed and got myself looking totally fantabulous before I had to wake the kids. I was on point.  Everything was running right on schedule......or so I thought.


I was JUST about to pack up the car and head out at 8:30am in order to get my daughter to a summer camp session at 9:00am when I get a text from my friend (whose daughter was attending the same camp) that said "Are you on your way?"  I returned the text by saying "yea."  Then, all of a sudden it struck me....wait!! I have a half an hour why is she asking me this?  So I text her back again and said "Wait!!  It starts at 9 right?"  Her Reply was simply "8".  Son of a Crack Whore!!!  I was late!!!!!  I was having this great leisurely morning of getting ready and drinking coffee before waking the kids to feed them and now I am already a half an hour late and I hadn't even left yet.  So I scream "get your crap and get in the car we're late!!!."  I grabbed my purse, the diaper bag and my baby and ran out the door.....CRAP!! Where the heck is my daughter?  CRAP!!  I forgot my sunglasses upstairs (and these baby blues cannot handle the sun)  CRAP!!!  Why isn't she wearing any shoes?  So I start shouting commands "Get my sunglasses!!!  Turn on the alarm!!!  Go grab your shoes!!  I don't care....any shoes!!! You didn't eat yet?  Grab something to eat in the car!!!!  OMG!!!  What???  You haven't brushed your teeth yet??  I guess you're just gonna have to scrape the sweaters off your teeth with your finger nail!!!!...hurry, hurry, hurry!!!"


Now, if you knew me in my former life (before I had my son at the age of Thirrrrrr...errrr....Twenty-Nine) you would know that I was a major planner.  I knew what was coming up, what time I was supposed to be there, how long it was supposed to last and I always had gas in the car.  I was a ticking time bomb, 15 minutes early everywhere, sometimes even 30 and if I were running late (which meant I would arrive only 10 minutes early) I would have been nearly mental enough to shoot the place up.  All of that is now gone due to the fact that my brains fell out of my nether regions along with my son and now I am just lucky enough to know my own name....errr...ummm....well,  most of the time.  It's "Mommy" right?


So, we finally leave and I had drive like a bat outta hell down the highway in order to get there before it was over.   We are just about to turn onto the road where her camp is located about 15 minutes later (meaning we are nearly 45 minutes late now....although normally it takes nearly 30 minutes to get there so I broke a lot of laws) when my daughter yells "Mom, you forgot to grab my bag!!"  Of course, I lose it.  All I can think is: Are ya freaking kidding me?  You packed it and put it by the door, plus you had to walk right past and pretty much step over it to get to the car.   Not to mention I have a purse, a baby and a diaper bag to worry about.  So my horns jet out of my head, veins pop out of my neck and I am almost sure I may have spit a little fire when I said,  "Excuse me?  IIIIIIII didn't forget to grab your bag, YOOOOOOU forgot to grab your bag."    Needless to say she didn't even need that bag because thankfully they had extras and too bad if they didn't because there was no way in heck I was going back for it because she made me look un-hawt for 3.5 seconds and THAT is not okay even in the privacy of your own car.


I finally drop her off and get back into my car and just sit there.  I start to text my friend about all of this (because obviously she was already gone for 45 minutes) and SHE is asking ME if MY KID is okay.  What?  Why?  She got to sleep in, didn't have to brush her teeth, and is at a $200 camp that she begged to go to.....not to mention the 45 minutes she missed had to do with cleaning up poop (think animals) so I don't think she was all that sad about missing that part.  Ohhhhh!!!!!  You meant because I frantically threw everyone into the car, sped like a demon down the highway and yelled at her?  No!!  Didn't seem to phase her one bit and if it did, she surely forgot about it within 10 seconds, just like she did with her bag that is still sitting by the door.


Anyways, after all of that I decided that maybe I should go to the grocery store (even though I am still twitching) while I am out or we were going to have to mix 3 different kinds of cereal together and maybe add a little water to the approximately 1/3 c of milk I had left in order to have something to eat for dinner.  So, here I am shopping when I realize it's a really darn good thing I only perimeter shop and that our grocery store hands out crack cookies because my little man was screaming for a snack and the diaper bag that IIIIIII remembered to bring was essentially empty :-/ (DOH!!).


I filled up my cart and headed to the check out line when my phone rings.  What the hell?  No one calls me.  I only text.  Mainly because I hate to talk on the phone due to the fact I get all flustered and stumble over my words and for some reason my texting fingers have balls of steal.  Really, I am not that interesting verbally but hand me a keypad and I can rock out the funniest shit you ever read.  In fact, I should just forgo talking all together and just carry around one of those communication devices that Steven Hawkings uses.  I am pretty sure this all stems from the time I worked at a toy store in high school and was told I had to call out the big ticket items over the loud speaker that looks like a telephone (and rang out loudly through the entire store for everyone to hear) to the stock boys in the back which creeped me out so bad that I stuttered and I nearly sharted myself.


Regardless, I answered the phone and it was the guy who was scheduled to be at my house this morning to repair my cabinets.  Ooops!!  Was that today?  So I shouted into the phone that I would be home in five minutes.  I paid the lady, walked leisurely to my car (I was not about to run), tossed the baby in the car and may have totally strapped him in upside down then threw the groceries somewhere (I don't even remember that part) then took off like a bat outta hell.....again.


I arrived back at home to a truck sitting out in front of my house (Of course he's on time....had I been home waiting around, he wouldn't have been there until dinner even though we set up a morning appointment) and whipped into the garage, jumped out and shouted "Sorry, my secretary is on vacation!!"  Which I thought was hysterical.....but apparently it was only hysterical to me (see?  Verbally..not funny).  I run in unlock the front door (yes the baby is still in the car upside down in his carseat in the garage), run to the kitchen and throw all the crap out of the drawers (except the crumbs) that he was there to repair, threw the drawer at him then ran back into the garage to save the baby and get my melting groceries out of the car, which by the way were all out of their green bags rolling around in the trunk area now.


The cabinet dude fixed the drawers, I put away the groceries, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher,  changed the baby's diaper, threw some food at him,  dumped his trucks in the middle of the floor to occupy him because I just needed to sit...in a corner...and rock back and forth.  I flopped on the couch (after debating about whether to crack open my new bottle of wine AT 10:30 AM or search for that bottle of tequila someone bought me for a housewarming gift, but eventually decided that was just too much work) and apparently got lost in social media vacuum time sucker because now it's 11:30 and I now have to go back and get her, but the baby is still in a diaper and I can't leave him in the car which means I must dress him.  So, I jump up, run around in a circle 2 times, scoop the kid up and think "what the hell is that smell?"  I run upstairs, change his crap diaper (again), throw some clothes on him and run back out the door.


This time I was actually on my way at a decent time.  It was apparent I was going to be a little too early.....so I figured I had better stop at Starbucks.  I get to the drive-thru after dodging pedestrians in the parking lot that I cut through where I only asked myself once "I wonder how many points I would get for him."  But alas, I made it to the mommy crack shop without committing a vehicular homicide.  I yelled my complicated drink order at the talky thingy, rounded the corner and "oh eff, 4 cars waiting for coffee in front of me???".... and now I am stuck unless I want to jump the curb, bust through some shrubs and roll my purty hawt car down a hill into oncoming traffic.  So I wait....and wait...and wait, all the while thinking "why the hell am I still waiting on car number 1 of 4 to get their drink?"  In the mean time, my husband calls and I start telling him about my Manic day which took my mind off of the waiting momentarily and when I finally roll up to window they are JUST starting to make my drink....so I wait and wait and wait some more.  I get irritated and I think to myself "Give me my damn mocha coconut!!" Ooops, Did I just say that out loud?.....yes, yes I did and apparently that's why they closed the window until it was ready.


I finally got my coffee, I am still talking to my hubby,  plus I still have 20 minutes to get there (even though it takes about 25 from this Starbucks).  I rush down the highway...again.  Get off my exit...damn a red light (and no one is coming)...waiting...waiting...waiting....GREEN!!  I take off again and I am chatting it up with my husband while randomly yelling out expletives here and there about the speed limits being too low like I have Tourette's and then I miss my turn...ARRRRGHHH!!!"  So hubby says, "I better let you go so you can concentrate" GOOD IDEA!!  So I hang up and turn the car around to back track.


Eventually I get it together and now I am about to turn back onto the road that I meant to turn onto the first time when I get a text from my friend.  "Do you know what time it is?"  I freeze....Shut the front door...am I late?  So I text back (while at a red light of course):  "It's 11:48, you said noon....I have 12 minutes"  followed by "It not my fault Starbucks had a line, LOL!"  She replied "LOL!!  You are cracking me up and yes, it's noon."  PHEW, THANK YOU JESUS!!!  Once I make the turn I then go on to hit every red light in town I finally lose my damn mind and text back to her "Effing red lights, SOB......BTW, my son is shoeless and his feet are black...don't judge!!"  She writes back "I am laughing so hard, I have tears in my eyes and I may have just snorted"  Which made me laugh and snort too and spill my coffee on my boob.


Needless to say I arrived with 4 minutes to spare and with a coffee boob stain and a baby with black bare feet (whom, I will remind you was not in a diaper only thank you very much).  All I could think at that point was "THANK GOD I took that leisurely shower this morning and primped myself up (all while I should have been on my way to taking her to camp)....because even with all of that going on and having semi- homeless looking kids and now a Starbucks coffee boob stain,  I still managed to look HOT!!!!"


The End.

Same Girl, Cuter Shoes!

"When men are full of envy they disparage everything, whether it be good or bad." ~Tacitus

(Nope, I have no idea who that is or why he said it....but it seems to apply here)

Have you ever accomplished something you were proud of, such as getting a promotion, reaching a goal you set, or finally owning the home you always dreamed about, only to notice that your friends aren’t exactly happy for you?

In reality it has nothing to do with you particularly. So why does it happen? Why can’t they be happy if you accomplish something or things are going really well for you?   After all, you didn’t do anything to them.  Is part of it jealousy? Are these "friends" secretly comparing their lives with all of their acquaintances?

Even the most serene among us feel a tinge of jealousy sometimes, but a true friend will put that aside to show their happiness for you. There is no reason for a friend to harbor ill will towards the good things that are happening for you.

Is it because you are evolving, yet they are still in the same exact place, doing the same exact things, never looking for or taking advantage of new opportunities? Shouldn't that be fuel to motivate them to get out there and make things happen, instead of taking it the wrong way all of the time?

For instance (and these have been actual occurances I have been a witness to but they did not necessarily involve me): If I mention that I am excited that my husband sent me flowers unexpectedly and you say "Flowers are a waste of money, they're just going to die."  If I am happy about my new car and you say "Why would anyone need a car that fancy?"  If I finish a race and come in a mere minute or two before you and I am excited about it being a great time (for me) and you say "that sucked, it was my worst race ever" instead of saying "wow, great job!!"  If I told you how much weight I lost and your reply is "You suck!!".....you may be a  FRENEMY(see definition #2).

I, for one, used to be this way myself. I had friends that had it all and it made me angry. I can admit now that I was so jealous of what they had, or what they were accomplishing. I later realized that the reason for such behavior was the fact that their accomplishments or their husband's accomplishments or the things they had only reminded me of the lack of such things in my own life.

Eventually, instead of continuing to complain about all the things they had that I didn't it made me want to work harder to change things, accomplish things or go after things that made our life better as well.  Back when I was going to college I worked night shift, drove an hour and a half to school to sit in classes all day, then drove an hour and a half home so that I could go to sleep in order to work that shift again that night.  All because I wanted that degree.  I also encouraged my husband to go after jobs that seemed out of reach, I spent hours helping him beef up his resume, searching for jobs, encouraging him to get certifications and go after what he wanted. In addition, we also spent hours cleaning up our credit, socking money away and learning about different investments.  Nothing was just handed to us.....NOTHING!!

Not too long ago I was introduced to a friend through another friend.  Though we had met eachother's acquaintance many times, we hadn't spoken to or seen one another in years.  Once we started chatting I noticed something about her I liked right away.  She cheered her friends on in their accomplishments.  She was genuinely happy for them.  I also noticed that she seemed to be very confident and happy with her life, so when people around her did well she wasn't angry or resentful.  I found that extremely refreshing.

I had a hard time accepting compliments from her (and still do) because I hadn't known a lot of people like that in my life.  Generally, if I had accomplished something I heard "wow, must be nice"  or "You must think you're better than me now."  Which in turn made me not want to speak of my successes in front of people.  I was worried they would turn on me because I had evolved and they hadn't.  So I never did, in fact I did the exact opposite and downplayed them.  After all 'misery loves company', right?

I recently got to know another old acquaintance.  I was strangely drawn to her self confidence.  I also took notice that people seemed to think she was this horribly arrogant person because she has this fantastic job, she dresses well and clearly has made something of herself (shame on her).  The more I got to know her the more I realized she was so much fun to be around, stinkin' hilarious, extremely quick witted and laughed a lot.

Oddly enough, with all of the success she has had in her career, she is also the least competetive person I know.  When we run, she is happy just to cross the finish line without dying or peeing her pants.  When I tell her I lost this much weight, she says "That is so exciting, I can't wait until I get there and people are calling me a Skinny Beeyotch too." (Another goal accomplished, which is why her nickname is now Skinny B).   When, every kid in acro was showing off their cartwheel or aerial or backflip and her's got out there and did a forward roll.....she nudged me and said, "did you see my kid rock that forward roll?"  I LOVE THAT about her.  It has also helped me to become less of a competetive person (I said less) and I feel so much better having that burden lifted...even if just a little.

Eventually, after spending time with both of these ladies, I just woke up.  Maybe having friends who were actually happy for me and were strong and confident and refused to apologize for the successes they worked so hard to achieve helped give me the confidence to be proud of my successes, my husbands successes, our family's successes too.  Why shouldn't I be proud of those things?  We worked hard, made sacrifices(huge sacrifices), powered through some REALLY tough times, made tough decisions, went after things we wanted and made sure to answer the door when opportunity knocked.  That is not something one should ever feel bad about.  EVER.  I AM proud of us.

I've been told I am a different person.....and it's true, I am.  I finally stopped feeling bad about how our life has changed for the better, I started taking better care of myself and realizing that I am a great person with a lot to be proud of.    However, I can also say that I am still crazy, I still say "off the wall" things like I always have, I am still witty and make jokes....... AND NOW I am PROUD of where we are in life, because my friends showed me it was okay.

I don't think I am better than you.  YOU think I am better than you.  So, to those of you who think you can't evolve into a better version yourselves because that would mean you aren't "keepin' it real" or that being able to do things, or have things, or care about your appearance makes you "fake".... I only have this to say.    If you are truly content in where you are in life, then what I do or say about my life should not make you bitter or resentful in any way, shape or form.

Now, I may joke that my new career is being a "trophy wife"  (which is actually an inside joke) and I use the term "hawt!!" a lot because I think it's a funny word that I learned from my Southern friends or say "WOOT WOOT!!" when I get excited or acheive a goal.  THAT, in it and of itself, should only go to show that I am the same goofy obnoxious girl (who may have also used the term "shart" in a sentence recently) that I always have been, I just happen to wear cuter shoes.